


Beyond the heart's fallacy

by galaxycm



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 08:07:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13003449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxycm/pseuds/galaxycm
Summary: Because Mello is everything Near needs, but Near is content with lacking.





	Beyond the heart's fallacy

The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet.

\- Or at least, never supposed to.

The innate attraction begins first, when the conscious mind has yet to register the situation at hand, the unconscious has already found a way. An immediate sight, how new yet familiar, was ushered, shoved into the memory. The sense of urgency to create intimacy, whether for a long-term relationship, or just to satisfy the sense of curiosity, or just to get rid of this churning feeling residing in one’s stomach.

Those who gain love call it fate, those who regret call it the heart’s fallacy.

 

The mind is a complex place, with the conscious and the unconscious battling to no end. Soon after the first moment pass by, as the actual interactions kick in, there comes the function of the conscious mind. But the feeling was so strong, that no neutral feeling can be made. So either love or hate it is then.

(Because no matter how hard you tried, you can never just _don’t care_ )

(Whether you like it or not)

 

Here is the crucial point. The unconscious is run by the pits of absolute nothingness. The consciousness can be explored, explained then maybe even altered; but the unconsciousness, regardless of what, cannot be altered just by will.

If the conscious and the unconscious managed to, (somehow, miraculously), be in harmony, then the fight has already been half-finished. The other half probably consists of the whole world and everyone and every single thing else in the world, but at least you won’t have to deal with yourself.

But if by any chance, were the opposite to happen, then congratulations, you are in for a ride. The only method to fight back attraction, is an equally strong feeling; (mostly referred to as hatred). It’s a perfectly sound excuse to be both attracted and bothered at the same time.

 

Needless to say, Mello thinks they shouldn’t have met. That those ugly childhood memories, of a nightmare in disguise of a promise; shouldn’t have been born. That these damn thing shouldn’t have been. “You guys drew the best out of each other” his ass, nothing but degrading self-esteem and frustration. “Those are the prices to pay” my ass, he never wanted to buy such a gift.

 

People never get it. It was never the second place, nor the silver prize, nor the “you are his back-up if some meteor decides to fall and help this world rid of Nate River” shits that was bothering him, (Not the most, anyway), but was the Nate River being itself. He was not frustrated because he lost in their competition, but rather the fact that he was in it alone. He lost, and he lost and he lost a-fucking-gain, but Near never won. He was in the second place, he was the silver prize, he was the back-up, but Near, Near has never been the first place, never the gold prize. Near has always been sitting on the throne, yet never the king. Mello was always plan B, but Near never bothered being plan A.

Mello did not only lose, he never had a winner.

 

Here is the thing. Attractions like theirs should have worked both ways, yet somehow the great Nate River has smoothly avoided out of it, like the way he dodged about everything else in his life. The thing is, Mello knew their attractions work two ways, that he has seen the look in Near’s eyes, and there is no denying.

(Or maybe Near is some sort of government’s goddamn A.I project that supposed to reflect everything that sent his way)

Mello never needs a mirror, what he needs is a reflection.

 

Mello wishes it was hatred. Mello wishes it was his jealousy of the fact that while he had to work his brain off to achieve his place, the other just instinctively sit down and scribble the right answer; or anger at the fact that he was always floating in between; always miles above others, yet never quite reaching Near. Mello wishes it was anything else but the fact that while Mello’s world rotates and changes trajectory and evolves and crashes and destroys and vanishes around Near, the opposite has never been correct. That even if he fell to his death or caught a cardiac arrest right at this moment, as long as it Is not loud enough to interrupt Near’s afternoon routine of stacking dominos and his thoughts; he probably wouldn’t notice. When saying ‘notice’, he means ‘care’, because Near is the world’s best mind or some shit that will know if the population of ants in the yard were to be deduced by one; but would not even care if his so-called counterpart were to die on the spot. Whatever.

 

Oh and Mello just love the fact that everyone, including not only Roger but also their great beloved mentor, or their whatever goal L; believes that their dynamics work both ways and if they work together or some shit, they will be unbeatable, the best of the very best.

Or maybe, Mello’s feelings are enough to cover for two.

So whatever, Mello though, I’m just gonna run away from this place and just fuck it. He cannot tolerate the thought of forming this dream team with Near and beat the bad guys like some sort of Avengers; not when the other didn’t bother caring. “Mello and I would make a great time together” my ass, you don’t even mean it. So he’s just gonna walk away from here with his self-esteem and pride still remained somewhat intact.

(Well, he already lost them both a long time ago, alongside with the hope in any glimpse that Near could send his way, and beside the fluttering of his own heart. Might as well save himself some face)

He is done. He is done trying, done redeeming and just, everything. You can turn hatred into love and thousand stars above, you can turn strangers into acquaintances then lovers then friends, but you can never make someone who doesn’t care does.

He is pulling himself out of this game. He can’t afford to be manipulated by someone who wasn’t even trying to control.

So damn his heart and soul and the whole unconscious that is pulling him toward his self-destruct button.

They call their attractions fate, Mello calls it his heart’s fallacy.

 

But Roger came to him with words of persuasion that he hopelessly still believe would work on them. Oh the desperate of man.

(Though Mello himself is in no place to judge)

“Mello, you see, maybe it isn’t that bad between you two. We have seen you guys work in harmony before, and you can’t deny it. Near isn’t against it, so maybe give him a chance?”

Give him a chance? A chance? Another fucking chance?? Mello made chances for him, and Near didn’t even bother taking them up. All those years. All those time.

Yes, Roger, Mello wants to yell, it isn’t fucking bad between us, because there is absolutely nothing in between.

Because if there were, this would never happen.

 

“You know, L said you two compliment each other well, for what he lacks, you possess in double”

And L is dead, so what is new? Their personalities go in sync with each other, like Yin and Yang; like two sides of the same coin, and what is new?

They are perfection and completion and everything of stars and moons and the whole universe screaming you were born for each other and so what?

They are pieces of a puzzle that fits, that completes and then what?

Mello is everything Near is missing and it goes the other way too, and they know it. But does it really matter that much, if not at all?

Because Mello is everything Near needs, but Near is content with lacking.

 

So here Mello is, folding clothes into a small backpack of what’s gonna be his survival kits for a few days, ready to put away what was never supposed to be behind him. That whatever happened here shall become yet another fading memory. Of a naïve heart’s fallacy. Of white hair and onyx eyes and the smell of new dominos. Of bitterness lingering in somewhere close to heart. Of someone he wishes, for once, would just care ---

“Mello, you are really leaving?”

Mello turns around and sees Near’s eyes for the first time, again.

 

They say the most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet.


End file.
